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Saturday, March 13th, 2004

Subject:Is like yes but for no, yes?
Time:5:25 pm.
I'm getting ready to go on my shift at the FD. Hmm, another Saturday on shift, 6pm to 6am. It's sad because my friend just got back in state from half-way around the world in the Marine Corps, and I haven't gotten to see him yet.

I went paintballing today, pretty much tore it up. I then went out for my last game to take pictures. Hopefully I got some cool action shots, we'll see. Unfortunately I used too insensitive film with too long of a lense in too dark of a setting, so my speed wasn't where I wanted it... If I managed to get anything clear and cool, I'll blow it up and stick it in my wall or something.

I'm listening to Blues Brothers - Soul Man, and I need a fucking Harmonica right now. So need one.

This post is pretty much all over place. Notice me not real concerned. On the female friend front, not much has changed recently. I'm going hiking with the girl from my work, which should be cool. There seems to be at least 3 possibilities at this point, if any of them could work out past the "friends stage" I'm not real sure. Maybe if I show up at their work and play Knockin OnHeaven's Door or something they'll want to go out =)

Probably not. :P

I hiked about 6 times last week, plus ran all day today playing paintball. It was a good week. Actually it was a good week in which 13 pounds disappeared from me haha. Maybe I shouldn't be working out so hard? It's not really working out though, I'm just doing shit I like to do. Hopefully I don't start losing muscle mass or something :P

I didn't go to Aikido at all last week. I feel like a piece of fuck. I'll probably get over it. I'll go three or four times next week I spose...

After hiking last night, I went to my boss's house and challenged him to a "Dip Off", where we did Dips until failure. He won, because he's a machine, and he only weighs like 130. That's a whole lot less to pick up off the ground 20 something times then mine is =)
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Sunday, March 7th, 2004

Subject:OH yeah...
Time:7:04 pm.
I thank Beauner for informing me of the income level of the Director of Emergency Medicine at Overlake... He makes 2 million a year right now... It's nice to see someone that actually makes a difference in life start to approach the absurd amount of money that some professional athletes make, quite a lot of whom are pretty worthless human beings in general from what I've heard recently...
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Subject:The Healer....
Time:7:02 pm.
The Oath of the Healer by Louis Weinstein
In the eyes of God and in the presence of my fellow students and teachers, I at this most solemn time in my life do freely take this Oath, whereby I shall pledge to myself and all others the manner in which I shall live the rest of my days.

I shall be ever grateful to my teachers who have planted the seeds of knowledge, which I shall nurture forever. I thank them for allowing me to see the importance of learning and realize that lifelong study is critically important to becoming a Healer.

I realize that on this day, I become a physician for all eternity. I shall strive to be a person of good will, high moral character, and impeccable conduct. I shall learn to love my fellow man as much as I have learned to love the art of healing.

I shall always act in the best interest of my patient and shall never allow personal reward to impact on my judgment. I shall always have the highest respect for human life and remember that it is wrong to terminate life in certain circumstances, permissible in some, and an act of supreme love in others. I shall never promise a cure, as only death is certain, and I shall understand that preserving health is as important as treating disease. When a patient for whom I have been caring dies, I shall have the strength to allow him or her to die with dignity and in peace.

I shall have as a major focus in my life the promoting of a better world in which to live. I shall strive to take a comprehensive approach to understanding all aspects of life. To become the Healer I wish to be, I must expand my thinking and practice from a system of episodic care to one of a preventive approach to the problems of mankind, including the social ills of malnutrition and poverty that plague the world in which we live.

I am not a God and I cannot perform miracles. I am simply a person who has been given the rights and responsibilities to be a Healer. I pledge to myself and all who can hear me that this is what I shall become.
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Subject:Is like bongs, but for hampster, yes?
Time:1:55 pm.
I didn't do a whole lot this weekend really... I went hiking, which I always do in the weekend mornings when no one else is awake. :P
I was supposed to go paint balling, which I did not do. That was a let down. I just stayed in after hiking, played the guitar a while and listened to a bunch more music. Also, I think I'm sick. I've been listening to Journey - Wheel in the sky like it has an expiration date on it. Does that make me sick? I think I'll stop for a while so I don't wear it out.

Oh yeah, since I haven't mentioned it here yet, I decided to give up the fire fighting/EMT thing to become a Doctor. "Doctor Gunderson" has too nice of a ring to it =)

Naw, I have an assortment of real reasons why I made the choice, but alas I don't feel like spelling them all out at this point in time, I'm supposed to be somewhere right now...

I went to Amanda's house this weekend, ate some Fondue (I won't hold it against her, I promised) some good pasta etc. Also saw snatch, you simply can't go wrong with that movie choice. I tried to get her to see "Scent of a Woman" simply because it's an awesome movie, with a Tango scene that you never forget. So much so that I'm listening to Carlos Gardel - Por Una Cabeza at this very moment.... I want to Tango right now, actually...

Anyway, yeah Amanda's cool, I don't really know her that much at all, and so we'll need to hang out more in the future. It was sort of random that I ended up there anyway.

The sun is still not out. I'm going to make a formal complaint soon if it doesn't appear shortly. I need to ride my motorcycle soon. I rode the other night at like 11 when it was nice out, clear skies, full moon and such with a bunch of friends. Simply outstanding.... I don't think my friends are at that same level yet, where they ride just to ride, not being in the cage of a car... it's hard to explain, it's just total freedom....

I made the decision a while ago to get a concealed weapons permit and a gun. Again, various reasons I don't intend to entirely list right now, but I've seen enough innocent people get killed from violence as an EMT that I'm pretty sure I don't intend to let it happen to anyone I know while they're with me. Hopefully I'll never be required to use it... Whatever happened to the good old days where a dispute was settled by a friendly fist fight on a Saturday night, out under the bridge... Isn't that wait I train in martial arts for anyway? It's sad I even have to worry about someone trying to hurt my friends in the first place, but alas the world is a dangerous place, no?

Ok, enough Por Una Cabeza, I'm rollin outa hurr on muh 24 inch spinnas, with my tek-9 in muh trunk... ( I hate rap )
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Saturday, December 27th, 2003

Subject:5' 10" Beauners
Time:4:48 pm.
Mood: good.
So it was my cousins birthday yesterday. We went out to Seattle to do a "21 run", however we didn't get to start until midnight, which was suck++. It was also horribly cut short because one of the girls we were with had a meltdown, 3-mile island style. Jouener didn't help with his rude ass comments, but it kept me entertained as hell.

Some worthless human with poor genetic material attempted to remove me from a bar due to mistaken identities. He proceeded to argue with me, and I thought for a second that there may be some fight-club style ear punching to follow, but he left it alone, and I got Joe to come out of the bar in a futile attempt to abort said meltdown. It failed, obviously. =)

Everything turned out cool, and Jouener and I walked away while Beauner went to survey the core damage. We talked in poor Irish accents and where Verbally Mandled (TM) by two chicks walking down the street who shit on our accents. Little did they know we were ready to fight stuff. In anger we both went and peed 100 proof urine on some dumpsters and felt vindicated.

Wasn't half-bad. I wish we would have done something more for his birthday though, but I don't think he cares.

Before that I went shooting with some friends at a shooting range. It was my first time ever shooting a gun, and I schooled two of my friends that where in the military, and RAPED my non-mil/LEM friend completely. My friends step dad was a shooter and he did pretty well and I think was just slightly better shot than I was. I may have potential to be very good, we'll see.
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Friday, December 19th, 2003

Subject:What would Jesus do?
Time:4:35 pm.
Mood: content.
If Jesus had directed Return of the King, it wouldn't have been any different. The movie rocked.

Actually, one difference that would have been corrected by Jesus... Jesus would have made Liv Tyler walk around naked everywhere, and more close-up's of her eye's and face. Also, he'd take the nudity of Liv Tyler and make an extended Liv Tyler Edition DVD, where she just walks around with pointy elf ears, naked.
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Wednesday, December 17th, 2003

Subject:JGee, Poke Stud Extraordinaire
Time:9:46 pm.
So I just pulled down some decent cash in a poker game my Fire Department has every year. It was also super nice, but honestly cold as hell today, but due to the aforementioned nicity of the day, I had to take the bike to work and also ride it around at all possible opportunities. I haven't been up snow boarding yet, but I fear if I don't go soon I'm going to slaughter and maim people. I don't know why, but lack of boarding requires others to perish.

So I'm 21 now, and this girl that I met off Hot or Not is 16, and she wants to come snow board and stuff with me... Is that wrong? Like, I don't want to be one of those guys that tries to pick up young girls or whatever... I wouldn't try to mack on her, just sort of hang out?

Should I just say fuck it and tell her she can come with me? Yeah I will, screw it, I hated being age discriminated when I was a kid for a lot of things, it'd be stupid if I told her I couldn't hang out with her because she was 16. Does it make a difference that she wants me? I don't have to return the feelings obviously, but does that make it wrong by hanging out with her because she's so young?
Where's the line here?

Also, Beau, I want to go to shows, invite me ass face.

I need to work out and then Jam tomorrow. I'm going to try to keep my schedule simple and do that. Good a good work out, and a solid Jam session in. That's the goal for tomorrow. Maybe I'll get out of work after 8 hours instead of 10. That'll help.

Also, if you're a cool chick (hot scores extra points) and you ride motorcycles, leave me a message, we need to ride. =)
Beauner, pick up your damn motorcycle too, we need to ride.
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Sunday, December 14th, 2003

Time:4:19 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
I should try this journal thing again huh?

Ok. Not right now though.

Just a quick note. I'm going to my boss's house for dinner. To give you an idea of what this will entail, the total bill for this dinner is over $1,000... He hired a Chef (!) from the Salish Lodge to cook it all at his house for us, and it has "courses" as in, more than one meal in twined in a set of meals.... WTF?

It amazes me how much people waste money... I don't claim to be innocent, as I stare at my crotch rocket out my window... but I just wish I would think about things a little more... A lot of times I get in these reflective moods where I see everything so clearly, plain as day. I'm the most brilliant person in the world during this time, but mere hours later I'll go do something, and sort of ignore everything I learned, or just not pay attention to something I've deemed to be important in life... Why? I know everyone does it, but I try to stop and it doesn't work... Like..

It's hard to explain, but basically I'll set a mission for myself for a day, and then when it comes time to rock it, I'll "forget" what the goal I set out for was and simply do things as I normally do... It's sort of a subconscious thing...

OK, new mission. Starts today, I won't say what it is, because it's unimportant what or why it is. It's only importance is that I adhere to it.
Everyone reading this, give yourself a mission today, one that can be accomplished today that you wouldn't normally do.
Tomorrow, create one for the week. Report back to me after you've finished on what it was, and if you succeeded or failed. I'm interested. Thanks for the inspiration.

P. S. On a side note, I've decided to pre-emptively thank people for things they haven't done yet, because EVERY time I've done it, it's made what I thank them for happen... Like by already receiving thanks, they're bound to the task I've requested... It's sort of verbal conditioning or something. (I just made that up, but it's my new buzz word).
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Thursday, June 26th, 2003

Subject:In memory of 9/11...
Time:9:52 pm.

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.
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Sunday, March 30th, 2003

Subject:Being a Paramedic....
Time:5:21 pm.
This is inspirational to me, as it encompasses what I want to be....

When God made Paramedics......

When the Lord made Paramedics, he was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said,
"Your doing a lot of fiddling around on the one."
And the Lord said, "Have you read the specs on this order? A paramedic has to be able to carry an injured person up a wet, grassy hill in the dark, dodge stray bullets to reach a dying child unarmed, enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch, and not wrinkle his uniform. He has to be able to lift 3 times his own weight, crawl into wrecked cars with barely enough room to move, and console a grieving mother as he is doing CPR on a baby he knows will never breath again. He has to be in top mental condition at all times, running on no sleep, black coffee and half-eaten meals. And he has to have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands...no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems, " said the Lord, "It's the 3 pairs of eyes a medic has to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The lord nodded. "One pair that sees open sores as he's drawing blood and asks the patient if they may be HIV positive, " (When he already knows and wishes he'd taken that accounting job.) "Another pair here in the side of his head for his partners' safety. And another pair of eyes here in front that can look reassuringly at a bleeding victim and say, 'You'll be all right ma'am' when he knows it isn't so."
"Lord said the angel, touching his sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow."
"I can't, " said the Lord, "I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound drunk out from behind a steering wheel without incident and feed a family of five on private service paycheck."
The angel circled the model of the paramedic very slowly, "Can it think?" she asked.
"You bet, " said the Lord. "It can tell you the symptoms of 100 illnesses; recite drug calculations in it's sleep; intubate, defibrillate, medicate, and continue CPR nonstop over terrain that any doctor would fear....and still it keeps it's sense of humor. This medic also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with a multi-victim trauma, coax a frightened elderly person to unlock their door, comfort a murder victim's family, and then read in the daily paper how paramedics were unable to locate a house quickly enough, allowing the person to die. A house which had no street sign, no house numbers, no phone to call back."
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Paramedic. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"That is not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."
"What is the tear for?" asked the angel.
"It's for bottled-up emotions, for patients they've tried in vain to save, for commitment to that hope that they will make a difference in a person's chance to survive, for life."
"You're a genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there," He said.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Quick Update
Time:2:26 pm.
Mood:Happilicated. (?).
It's been fairly nice out the past couple days here. Went midnight bowling last night, that was fucking awesome, we had like 12 people with us, and the night before we went to theatre sports with a bunch of people. Hung out with Erin, she's really cute, funny, playful... has a cool attitude that I can really dig. She is also recently single as well. I'm so pumped... We'll see how that goes. =D

Currently talking to Vibeke, before recently I hadn't really said much to her since she left for Nevada. She's really cool too, I think I've hung out with her a total of like, 3 times though? Kinda funny how things work... On top of that, I think Trisha got pissed at me/everyone every time she hung out with us because we paid more attention to Vibeke than her... Which was true, but we did because Vibeke is cool, not because everyone wanted to get in her pants, such as she claims. Why do girls do that anyway? I've always noticed this, and disliked it... Girls are so competitive... That must be why they never want to bring other girls to hang out, because they get fucking PISSED if any attention is given to her other friends... that's why you always see like, a 1-5 girl to guy ratio in groups.. Heh. I especially noticed this while bowling last night. I look around, and it's totally a 1-5 through about a 1-8 ratio.. I twas the funny.

Oh yeah, and while still talking about females, I called Tryna the other night, just talked to her for about 20 minutes... She's cool too... they all have kind of the same attitude, just like 5-10% differences in how they react to different situations, actions, humor etc. I think I've decided what kind of personality I like. That kind of personality has always attracted me to girls, in both friendships and otherwise. This will save me time in the future I think, officially recognizing what I am compatible with for friendships and otherwise with females. The last two attempts at the "otherwise" have failed, because neither was the kind of personality I have now declared my favorite. This should tell me something.

Clear signs when I first meet someone (that have happened) that they have the kind of personality I want:
1. We get in a whip cream fight while everyone else looks on amazed and fearful of what just happened between two people who've know each other for 10 minutes.
2. We spend 5 hours talking about NOTHING, while saying virtually nothing, but can't stop laughing the whole time, and we're by ourselves. =D
3. I visit a house you're house sitting, and after knowing you an hour, we get in a water fight while others look on horrified.
4. While loading the dishes at 3am, we randomly get in a dishwasher soap sud fight, and both end up an hour later sticky and soaking wet, just because.
5. We initially make fun of each others friends while we both sit back and watch them do something dumb, and by the end of the night, we're going round for round against each other, and complimenting each other while laughing as we attack one another back and forth =D
6.I say something completely random, and I mean totally random, and you respond in less than 3 seconds, and it's either so funny and unexpected, or so crazy that it's like someone just punched me in the face, and I'm left with nothing to say in response due to my state of being stunned =D
7.The first night we hang out, you recount the story of how last weekend, you walked into Red Robin and stole a 6 foot tall plant, ran out the door, stuffed it in a trunk and took off, for no apparent reason.
8. This hasn't happened, but you'd score points: We're playing some sort of game, and you slap me on the ass during ANY point in the game, look at me with a straight face, and say "Good game, tiger".
9. We get in a fight, in which you proceed to kick my ass.
10. You make a reference to Jesus in a way that shouldn't be possible, such as "That guy has better abs than Jesus", "It is like Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, crafted those very shoes himself." etc. =D

I think that about winds it up. If you've done any of those things, or will do any of those things in the future, you're either one of my friends, or I want to date you. I need to meet more girls like this. =D
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Sunday, March 2nd, 2003

Time:1:56 pm.
Fear, I just got a letter home from the fire academy. I'm ranked 6th in my class right now, so I'm happy I'm in the top 10. I'm not happy with that though, I want in the top 5 for this next week. Raw.

Trisha, you're over-dramatic.
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Subject:Fire Academy... Week 1 and 2
Time:1:54 pm.
Here is my journal while at the Fire Academy so far for weeks 1 and 2:

I’ll be writing this journal every night if possible, but since we don’t have internet up here, I’m only able to upload this shit on the weekends, so you’ll have to read my latest installments every Friday night or Saturday sometime when I get around to posting them.
The academy doesn’t officially start until tomorrow, but everyone pretty much came up and moved in today, so I did as well. I just met my roommates, but being the piece of shit that I am, I can’t remember there names. I think It’s Mark and Joel. Or john… Fuck, it’s probably Jolean, who knows heh. I never understood that… I can remember how many transistors are on a GeForce 2 mx 4 years after hearing it, but I can’t remember a name after 30 seconds. WTF?
Anyway, I worked 8 hours today, drove home and studied. Apparently I only had to read 60 pages instead of the 120 that I read, and I only had to do two tests instead of the 5 I did. Yay for me paying attention like a dumb ass. That sucked trying to cram like I did. Oh well, now I’m ahead, raw. I just found out we only do the 5 mile run the last week. I’m fucking bummed as shit, I thought we’d hit that every day… Damn. I’ll have to bust my ass on my own I spose. Well, I think I’m going to crash right now, I’m pretty tired and want to be fresh in the morning. Peace.

Tuesday 02/18/03 Week 1, Day 1
So we officially started our Academy today. It’s not as paramilitary as I thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, everything is Sir, yes sir, shine your boots, drill and marching etc, but like, they’ve moved away from the hardcore “GOD DAMNIT IT RECRUIT, YOU HAVE A SPEC OF DUST ON YOUR WORTHLESS GOD FORSAKEN SHIT STAINED BOOTS”… I’m not kidding either, it used to be like that. At one point, I’m kinda glad it’s not so hardcore like that, but at the other, I wish it was super boot campish. Granted getting my fuck bitched at 99% of the day could grow tiring, though I do wish it was slightly more hardcore than it was today. This is only day 1 though, I’m sure it will get much much more hardcore. BTW, you did read that right, I used “fuck” in representation of myself. “Getting my fuck bitched at”. Fuck is the most versatile word EVAR, I’ve always said this. I think it should be adopted into our language as an acceptable word. Anyway, back to the Academy.
Today we started the day with a two mile up and down hill run, did stretches for 15 minutes and a fuck load of push-ups and sit-ups. My arms are tired, so are my pecks. We did all class work today, and some marching practice. We rocked the house on marching though, picked it up fast as fuck for never doing it before. We will be smooth as silk in 10 weeks. I ran another mile by my self tonight, but than Tim came in and stopped me to run to North Bend real quick. I shouldn’t have went. I’m kinda pissed I didn’t stay and work out now, but oh well, I’m going to be hitting it hard as much as I can so I’ll make up for it.
I’m also now on the fitness committee with like 3 other people, we are going to be designing our work outs for the next 10 weeks, which is tight. We put together some basic stuff today, so we’ll see how it goes. Heh, also today we turned in two of the (4) tests that I did the other night, when I didn’t have to, but whatever… Anyway, so I turned them in, and an hour later they call me out to the head home boy’s office, and he’s like, “Do you have a learning disability?” and I burst into laughter, ahhaha… I don’t think that’s the response he was looking for. It was so tight, and I’m like “Uhh, no, not in the slightest.” And he’s like, because I mean, we can get someone to read the books to you, or tell you what the big words mean etc… At this point I couldn’t contain my laughter, and I think he was getting upset. So I said, “What? Why do you think I have a learning disability?”

Homeboy whips out my tests, which have about 87% of the answers wrong. I was like, whoa shit, I’ve never scored that bad on a test when I didn’t even READ the fucking book before. I mean, if I can get a 70% on a physics test where I never read the chapter nor paid attention, there is no way I only got 13% of the questions right on something I read… So at first I was like, holy shit, I have nothing to say. I said to him, “Sir, I can’t explain why I have a 13% on two different tests sir, but I don’t think I have a learning disability..”
He was really cool about it all, and I think he totally thought I kicked it on the short bus. He wanted to help, but I insisted a SPED, I was not. (To anyone who that offends…. stop being a pussy. =)) Then it clicked, I was like, well maybe I labeled the tests wrong. (They are bubble sheet tests) He went back and checked, I sat there and wondered how many people this little pow wow had involved before I got there to discuss how to help me. He comes back 5 minutes later and says he was sorry and it appears I just mislabeled the tests. He looked embarrassed as fuck, like he was sitting in high school and projectile shit-vomited while climbing the rope in gym class. (is that possible?) I felt like an ass, but it was pretty funny. Anyway, I’m jamming to RHCP right now while my roommates are studying, so I should probably go. Latar….

Wednesday 02.19.03 Week 1 Day 2
Well today was the second day of class. I slept like… 6 hours I think last night, which was the most I’ve slept so far, and I work up still feeling tired. I guess going to bed at 10:30 and getting up at 5:30 doesn’t work that great when you do a lot of physical work. I’ll try to go to bed a little earlier tonight, but after dinner it’s usually 7pm, I have to study, and I also want to work out too… bah, not enough hours during the day… It’s 7pm now, I’ll probably head down and go work out after I type this.
Today was pretty cool, a lot of interesting lecture, and we got a lot more paramilitary today, quite a bit more discipline, so I suspect it’s just going to fall in over time. I almost got my ass kicked today too. An instructer handed me something that I needed, and instead of saying “Sir, thank you sir”, I turned to him and said “thanks dude”. Hahah, he didn’t even notice, like, it went right through his brain as something that would be impossible to EVER happen, so his brain would processs it, because it’s not like he didn’t hear me, EVERYONE else heard it. I instantaneously jettisoned about 40 pounds of fecal matter into my Class B’s.
After Class we donned our PPE (Personal Protective Eqiupment) and threw SCBA’s (Self-Contained Breathing Apperatus) for like, an hour and a half. That get’s really tiring, really fast. You basically are in full gear, throwing a 30 pound back pack over your head, suiting up, going on air, in less than 45 seconds. About 20 steps total. Try doing that like 40 times in a row. After that, we ran(!) in full bunker gear to the burn tower, about 0.25 miles away uphill, and jumped(!) through an open window chest high to me (I’m officially 6’2”)… This was pretty hardcore, since the most any of us have done in PPE was walk at fast speeds before. This stuff was not designed to be agile in. Thought I guess we’ll all be taught how to make it work for extreme circumstances.
All in all, I love it so far. I’m just pretty sore right now, and looking forward to a day off this weekend. Hooya! Bulldogs!

Friday 02.21.03 Week 1 Day 4
I didn’t update last night because I was so tired, we did search and rescue all fricking day. It destroyed all of us heh. We all went to bed at like, fuck 7:30 yesterday. It was awesome though. My knees were sore as hell though, I had no knee pads, so I was just crawling on hot concrete all day long. Today was more of the same of yesterday, which again destroyed me, but the pain in my knees from yesterday multiplied by a factor of 70 today. It was all worth it though, as at the end of the day, we lit up the warehouse full of dry wooden pallets and torched the place. The instructor than placed 7 fire fighters inside and told them to basically find a place to die, while us, the people on the outside had to go in and rescue them. It was so bad ass, everyone was rocking the house. Super fast paced action was to be had. My Team was on the outside of the warehouse waiting to extricate people, while two teams of 6 went in after them. They busted out the windows as the front door openings they went in at had collapsed, so they started to pass people out to us as the flames were roaring out. It was so tight. Anyway, I’m on my home now, so I’ll write more later.

Tuesday 02.24.03 Week 2 Day 2
Just like on Thursday and Friday of last week, again we did search and rescue, and warehouse fires this week. We also did some SCBA confined space maneuvers, such as crawling in narrow passage ways, removing our SCBA while still breathing from it in a confined space, pushing it in front of us until we get out of the space, and donning it while still unable to move. That’s a pretty tiring maneuver, however it is quite fun.
We did some calisthenics yesterday, those raped me. The nice thing about calisthenics though, is that you are not sore the rest of the day after doing them. I’m sore as a virgin whore after doing a black dude today though. (That was interesting). Luckily today we ran 2 ¼ miles instead of an additional calisthenics day, as I would have sucked doing those today.
I just finished my first test today. I think I did pretty good, at least an 80%, that’s for sure. I’m still pissed at myself though, I want to get a 100% on every test, and will be studying like fuck this week for our second test.
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Friday, January 31st, 2003

Time:7:15 pm.
Mood: satisfied.
Once you have tasted flight, you will
walk the world with your eyes
turned skyward, for there you have
been, and there eyou long to return...
Leonardo Da Vinci

I long to return....

I got my Fire Fighter Uniforms and Nomex Jump Suit today. They look hot. I'm such a sexy bitch in them. I'll be even sexier once I drop 30lbs in the fire academy. =D

I think once my schedule evens out here in the future I'm going to think about getting my pilots license once more. Once I have that, I'm going to spend a few months in Australia. I want to live in Australia for a couple months, maybe fly planes in some tourist trap for spending money and excitement heh. I'd only do it a day or two a week, the rest of the time I'd be partying with hot Aussie babes in Sydney.

I have too many things I want to do... Man... I'm going for being a buyer for Costco.com (making anywhere between 100k and 320k a year, 100k starting), being a fire fighter, being a paramedic, being an ER doctor (the progression is probably how it will happen, starting with FF and ending at ER doctor), being a pilot, being a bad-ass guitarist etc... Shoot me, someone? Oh yeah, and also be a race car driver like my dad. Or Motorcycle now, after I get my YZF-R6..... Crap I suck. =D
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Thursday, January 30th, 2003

Time:11:49 pm.
Mood: blah.
I felt ill earlier. I don't know though, which is good I spose.

Did a little Aikido tonight, wish I would have stayed for two classes, as we only jammed like, 10 minutes... it was a shitty jam session too.
I have not been responding to calls in about 4 weeks now, but starting sunday I'm going to wear my pager again and go on calls, my shoulder
is good enough now that there should be no problems. Overall, tonight was kind of a waste, I could have been doing other stuff. Saw Trisha for 32 seconds, drove to Bellevue for an hour
round trip for that. Bleh.

My job status = looks like they still want me for the position they were saying they couldn't give me just two short days ago due to me leaving for three months. Funny how things work
when you consistantly tell them you won't work for them because you have other plans. They bend to YOUR will instead of THEIR will. Hahah.

Annnyway... I hope my life goes a lot better for the next three months than it has been. I'm just kinda worn out. Remember last night saying maybe I'll stay away for three months? Well, I might possibly be almost forced to now, if they want me to work 3 days that I'm back every week. I guess everything works out for a reason though huh? If Trisha and I did hook up back before it all got fucked, well that wouldn't be a good thing now heh. Anyway, I'm not owned by that situation any more. I've put my feelings aside. No use in thinking about something you won't get. Besides, she won't cuddle with me if I'm still owned anyway! Haha, I like to cuddle so that was motivation to forget it all. =D

Anyway, I'll miss jamming for three months, I'm taking my guitar though. I'll be solo-jamming. I'll miss quite a few certain people while I'm gone, probably not everyone, but a lot of people.
Also, Trisha, Nick and beau, if you read this, please stop giving out your guys's live journal ownages, as like, people can read mine and mine is personal. If you do, please take me off your friends list. I'd appreciate it. Thanks.
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Wednesday, January 29th, 2003

Subject:Wangtasticularistic... WTF?
Time:11:32 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
My subject sounds way cooler if you pronounce it like I did in my head. =D

My Fingers hurt from Jamming... I made a tight new riff for our second song, and it sounds dope. I like it better than our first already. I've decided I will sing in the band, granted I'll be shitty at first, hopefully not forever. We just need lyrics. If someone else wants to sing, by all means, I'll step aside and let them rip it. Until than though, this goes with me not being a pussy. I don't really give a shit anymore, so why not sing in front of a bunch of people. =D

I chilled with TREEESHAW today after work. It was cool, felt like nothing had ever changed. That just says to me that I don't need to worry about losing her as a friend, as if we're still friends, especially THIS FAST after the fucking shit that went down... Christ, I could shoot her family dead and she could blow up my house and we'd probably still hang out. =D

I saw her dress. It was pretty hot. She didn't like these little side things that go up on, but that's the main reason it's so hot Heh.

I leave for the Fire Academy in 3 short weeks... Many times I've contemplated just going, and not seeing anyone while I'm back here for 3 months. Why you may ask? One, they'll see such a big physical difference... and Two, maybe a mental difference. Trisha would kill me I spose though. She'll be fine with it though as she gets tighter with Matt, so I may just do that... I don't know yet, I have to see what I feel inside me. I probably won't know my decision until the first weekend I'm back? She got really mad today when I said that I thought about doing it Heh. Shwill bwe fwine. =D

I still hate myself for all the ownage, and how I fucked up my chance. I try not to think about it. =)
That whole job thing with Costco... FUCK. Heh. I'll update tomorrow as Part 2 of that situation goes down. :(
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Time:12:35 am.
Dude. WTF. I just deleted like, an 8 page (Trisha hates me, why god why) post, to replace it with this 3 line: Trisha fucking RULES. I still suck though. I'm seriously such a piece of shit to her. This will change though. My goals listed below are coming along nicely. Life is getting better. I got a new job.. Trisha rules... etc etc. Granted we aren't bf/gf, or even dating... but I told her that if she EVAR has feelings like that again for me, and I'm a different person, a better person, when she has them again, to let me know, and I want to see where it takes us. I think this whole fucking deal will bring us closer together in the end. Keith, oh Christ I know you'll shoot me if you read this after talking about lal the shit that went down at your house tonight. You scored points with me though, listening to my fucking shit, and being someone who understood what I was going through and believes me. I know what it sounded like, thanks for taking the time to understand what I didn't at the time of all these events. I really did/do like Trisha, and you know the Sarah DeVoe ownage better than anyone, and I hope you understand, while a shitty excuse, how the events happened, and how confused I was because of it all.

Nick. Dude, I hope we become tighter dude. You are an awesome guy, granted you do need to work on a few things, like coming to me when you dislike something I'm doing etc.... But I don't forsee anymore problems with us anyway now that we've worked a lot of our shit out, and I'm changing for the better.. Also, expect to have some fucking wild stuff go down in 6 days after I completely de-ownify myself to senior year level whackiness. =D

Make sure and call me on it. Making me prove it will help all the more.

Matt won't see this, but: Matt, dude, we've NEVER had issues, we're fucking TIGHT though man, I've never gotten mad at you, and I can't understand how I could, due to anything current or in the future. We're fucking homies man. That's that.

Jonathan won't see this either, but: Your simplistic approach to life helps my complicated view of the world more than you can ever know. I over analyze every situation I'm put into, and it's refreshing to see you so simplistically tell me WTF is up. =)

Rock out.
I'm a fucking blender.
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Tuesday, January 28th, 2003

Subject:Road the Recovery
Time:9:27 pm.
Mood: confused.
So, based on my entry below... I have started my road to recovery. I apologized to Nick for side stepping basically all his questions about all of this. I just didn't believe him when he said he didn't like Trisha anymore, and I don't want to hurt him, so I just made him think nothing was happening. Little did I know this hurt Trisha in the process too, no doubt making her think that I didn't want people to know I had kissed her.

So, as I stated, that was a major step toward my goals below. It was good. I'm glad it's over though. I was a little upset he didn't like... Get pissed at me? Tell me that he hates me, make me talk about it more? Why you may be asking... because I want to be better friends with Nick. It's difficult to do that if I don't know what he doesn't like about me, things we can work on....

I told him the entire story, from feeling to feeling from my point of view from DAY 1 with Trisha today. I twas hard. It was very hard actually. I'm glad I did it, if nothing else to let Nick know more about me and the things in my life I'm trying to figure out. He was understanding, and really had no idea about any of it, or why I said and did things I did.

On a similar note, I had lunch with Trisha today. I was happy, chipper, and wanted to be playful. She did not return any of these feelings. It was almost painful heh. I mean... I dunno. I treated her with what I thought to be how I always treated her. She seemed very angry and upset at me. I just don't understand. I'm so confused. Everyone's telling me to leave her alone for a while. I think I will. We were supposed to hang out tonight, and she even said bro's before ho's... well, I think the ho won tonight, because me being the bro is sitting here by myself. I expected it though, I didn't actually think for a moment she would call me. I think there is so much more than what I'm seeing on the surface going on. I'm just so sad that I caused it all. I think she needs time. I want to still be her best friend, she just needs to want the same thing, or tell me otherwise.

As a bonus, some friend of hers in Jessica MaClintock (SP?) said I seemed nice, and was even cute. I was actually stunned, and expected to be hated upon entry. The reassuring thing here is that I said to her that Trisha hated me. The reason I did this is to gauge from a third party perspective what Trisha's mood towards me really was. I figured if she said "Well, you just need to be nicer, don't lie, take her to dinner, buy her an expensive watch" etc, that she was actually VERY pissed at me and did hate me. However, she said "No she doesn't, not at all". This leads me to the conclusion I wanted to hear, which was that Trisha likes me (in what fashion, I don't know. Even as a friend is a bonus at this point), but that she is just upset right now... I'll fucking take that and run like hell with it. I'll so take that. THat was the most uplifting news of the day, almost....

I apparently I did get the job I applied for as assistant buyer/ICS..... THat's really good because if I got one more piece of bad news I was going to shoot myself. heh. (not really, for those of you who know me...) My Parents were just like "did you get a raise" and I said "Hmm, not sure yet, I don't think so, Costco doesn't do pay raises on merit"... and that was it. Thanks for the confidence boost. :(

I think I'm about done for this journal.
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Subject:Rape my face, part deux -- beau, your insight is valued here. =D
Time:1:33 am.
So... Live journal people, please shoot me. As Trisha would say "You lied again". I didn't lie though, when I said yesterday that she made her choice and I was going to respect it blah blah blah... Well, that was the truth as I saw it then. I don't like to give up on things, which is really funny though, because I think I might have given up tonight, despite what I feel is the truth. Keep this in mind as you read the rest of this entry, and draw your conclusion on my current state of seeing things when you reach the end. This is me now, it won't be 3 paragraphs from now.

I've learned more in the last 3 days about myself than probably ever before... Even with Sarah. With Sarah it was more of a learning how to heal myself afterward. WIth this, I learned what I hated about myself, as I don't get to see my impulsive side, nor my little seen "I like you" side. Heh. I don't know what to call it.

I seem to hurt more people when trying to get a girl friend than any other time in my life... Once I have a girl friend my goal is always to make it the greatest time in the world. I never understood how this discrepancy happed. Until 3 days ago that is. I've got this impulse in me that I rarely see. I don't know if I've always had it, or it happened as a result of previous shit. I've described it all below in yesterdays entry, how I was so rash, said the first frightened thing on my mind and ran with it until I could think more. This is something I'm going to change. It needs to change. I've decided to open myself completely.

Fear prevents you from doing what you know you should do. I thought I had conquered this fear my Senior year of high school. I really did. I went from being shy and unknown by a lot of people, to making 8 new friends in less than 3 months, and keeping them all through summer, and the ones that still live here are still my friends....
I had removed the fear of large scale social interaction. I had decided I didn't give a shit what people thought. I was sooo much happier, I had soo much more fun, more friends and a more entertaining life. I was at the top of the world. After Sarah dropped me, (about 4 times in a row, back and forth like a yo yo... fuck.) I lost it all. I mean, crashing through the roof lost all the confidence I had, and the fear was on me like flies on shit.

I've been slowly building it back this whole time since that happened. Beau has been the primary person helping me with that. I had wished Joe and I had become tight friends too, as I think we would have fucking ROCKED, at least at the height of who I was previously, and will be again very soon. He could have been instrumental in helping me get back quickly...

Anyway, flash to now. With in 7 days from now, my friends, I challenge you to see if you see a marked difference in me. Gone will be the fear, slowly at first, but gradually gone in 7 days. Gone is the weakness. Gone is the nervous anticipation. Gone is the shield that blocked my heart. I will be made new again. Gone is the shyness with new people. This is the task I've placed on myself. This task is simple, and will be completed.

Yes, my friends. I challenge you to challenge me. Make me prove I fear nothing again. I feared nothing once before, I understand what it feels like. I want it back. It's mine. 7 days. I laugh at you thinking this is bullshit. This is as serious as a heart attack. I did it before in a single day. A single decision at 6am one Friday morning. This is childs play.

I already feel better. This is so dope.

One more thing to change. This is even easier. I will never lie again. I won't talk my way out of telling the truth. ALA kissing Trisha and cleverly side stepping it with Nick... That is all bullshit. I challenge you again friends. Ask me something you know the answer to. I will speak the truth forever, from TODAY forward. No half-truths, nothing. No impulse answers that I might regret later. Just truth, thought out truth.

Today I am me.
Tomorrow I will be who I always wanted to be psychologically.
Three months from now I will be who I wanted to be physically.

Change starts today.
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Sunday, January 26th, 2003

Subject:Starting a new...
Time:5:46 pm.
I've decided to start writing in my Live Journal again... It's been a long time, but alas, I think it helps me.

If you're one of my friends, and you're reading this, I'd prefer you did not. Originally I started this journal to post in privacy of those who knew me. Then I added Beau as a friend. I prefer beau to read my journal however. He is probably the most intelligent person I know by far. I'm not speaking of just like 2+2=4... I mean his analytical skills are superior. I think he probably thinks the way I try to. I hear what people say, but I see how the move, facial expressions, past history etc, and find out what they really mean.

Trisha was next on the list... I was ok with her being added, but not really, I just didn't have the heart to say "uhh, no thanks"... Since a lot of the stuff I want to write about concerns her, it often made me not wish to write in my journal. The same goes for Nick. My journal contains thoughts that I have that probably shouldn't be viewed by people who can't understand what I'm thinking. If I made a comment about something I didn't like about beau, for instance, he would probably read it and not mention anything. He would understand that he too, has things he doesn't like, or even hates about me, that he is thinking, and I would not get upset should he write about them. This journal is supposed to be an outlet of everything I'm thinking. Uncontrolled truth. My Mouth is a filter for speech, here, there is no filter. Many people can't understand that and would take my writing as an insult to their character, or think I was mad at them, or hated them... This couldn't be farther from the truth. If you are an individual that can't handle what I say to be the truth in person, I still need an outlet, so I may say it with much more emotion, be that anger, love etc... than I may normally in person. The truth remains the same regardless of the emotion behind it. Emotion is temporary. This seems more like a disclaimer than anything else. It's sort of a praise of beau as well however. So, in short, my friends, please do not read this journal any longer. I won't restrict these posts, I just ask that you do not read them. Beau, you are an exception. Just remember beau, many things I say in here may not be things I actually want to talk about. Just an outlet for me.

Soo... FUCK. I have so many rapid thoughts moving through my head right now, I don't know what to say. I'll need to reflect later I'm sure. However, I've made the decision that's been bugging me, and truthfully is still raping my thoughts.... I've decided Trisha and I will not "date" or be boyfriend and girlfriend. Lets take a detour and explain how these events unfolded in my head. I found out Trisha liked me, and I immediately got kind of scared and announced to everyone I could that I didn't want to date her. This was the truth, at that very instant. However, I now know after spending thought on the subject that it was a lie. I realized that as much as I want a girlfriend, I was scared to start again, because I don't want to get hurt like I did again. The pain I felt lasted for so long that I couldn't logically say to my self that I should do it again. After realizing how much my previous relationship had fucked me, I realized that if I continue to think like that, I may miss out on things that could be really great, and on the flip side, things that could hurt me again, but make me grow.... Soon I came to the conclusion that I was stupid, so I asked Trisha to date me. I actually let her clearly know I couldn't be her boyfriend, but I would like to date. I hadn't intentionally done this mind you, I did this because I exposed myself by asking her to date me, and then immediately felt vulnerable, so before she could answer I backed up half way and told her I didn't want a girlfriend right then... I'm sort of glad I did it now, as in the end, it did protect me. She said she would date me. However, then something in her flipped out, and that night at keiths, she basically rapes Matt in front of me, with the intent to piss me off. Hi, it worked. It actually first hurt me so fucking deeply I didn't know what to do. It hurt me because it's basically like what happened before. "Hi, I like you" "Hi, I changed my mind, fuck you".... I got so hurt that it just turned into pure anger, and for the first time ever, I couldn't even speak. Not that I couldn't... I should correct that... I was afraid of what I would say if I did, so I left after subjecting myself to it for over an hour...
She called me the next day, and I was still so angry it was difficult to talk. She was sad, and I told her we could still be best friends. I don't truthfully know how things are going to work out. I don't claim to have answers, time will show me. Anyway, fast forward to today... We cuddle on the couch, just me and her (I'M SO FUCKING STUPID, GOD DAMNIT) and I'm like, ok, maybe she made her decision.... Matt comes out of the shower, she immediately directs all of her attention to Matt... I go Jam with beau for a bit, come back later, she's laying and caressing his hand on the couch... YET she still says she likes me and wants to go out with me...

I'm not really mad at Trisha, she likes two people, it's human nature, whatever. I'm mad at myself... I'm SOO fucking pissed at myself. I let myself get hurt after MERE hours after I drop my guard for 2 seconds. I don't know wtf I'm going to do. I have such high standards for myself, and people I'm interested in, and I can't believe I let myself even say to her "You need to make a decision, and choose one of us, you can't have both"... What my IDIOT ass should have said is go fuck yourself Trisha. I'm fucking awesome. I don't deserve to sit on the sidelines waiting for you to figure out which one you like best. FUCK THAT. I'm done. I'll choose for you right now Trisha, I choose Matt. Enjoy.

I did not say this however. I thought this the ENTIRE time I was with her in keiths room though, but I didn't say it. I didn't even hint at it. I think I was still trying to find a way that I wouldn't end up getting hurt, try to recover her before she was all the way gone. I shouldn't have.

I have not talked to Trisha since the super bowl yet, granted it's only been two hours, but even if I had not just made this recent decision to choose Matt for her... She would have done it anyway I think. That's the way it appears, I seem to take second place when he is around.

I need to slow my mind and mouth down the next time I'm in a situation like this. If someone tells me they like me, I need to sit down and think about it, and realize maybe it's ok to drop my guard completely sometimes....

On a similar note, Trisha claims I'm her best friend as well. I don't see how I can be. She did things to intentionally fuck me over, and she never comes to me with a problem she has with me. She goes to my friends. I hate this. I wanted to "date" Trisha because I realized I don't know Trisha on a deep level. When I dated Sarah, it was after knowing her about the same time I've known Trisha. We didn't start out as boyfriend and girlfriend, we dated. This is how it should have been with Trisha and I, and it's what I tried to tell her. I don't know Trisha on a deep level, and I think she knows me on an even less deep level. She doesn't know anything about my family, immediate or otherwise, she doesn't know about what I was like in high school, why I am the way I am etc. She just knows superficial me... I wanted to date her to get to know her on a deeper level and myself as well, and when we had a deep connection, than we move on to the next step. This is how I maintain a relationship should happen. I don't care about the opinions of others on the matter.

Anyway, I do feel better after typing all these thoughts out and rereading them. My head is much more clear at the moment. That's all I wanted....
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